The Search for Trump's Mythical California Water Valve

Liquid Gold Sets the Golden State on Fire

President Donald Trump went off the rails when asked about California wildfires during his first full day in office. He claims LA city officials are diverting "limitless" water to the ocean through a "massive valve."

*”President Trump threatened Wednesday to withhold federal aid from California as it combats and recovers from the blazes, repeating a false claim that state public officials have refused to allow water from the northern part of the state into the L.A. region. He is scheduled to visit the state this week to review the damage from the wildfires.” —the Washington Post.

So, taking the President at his scientific best word, HOT GLOBE has undertaken a thorough search of Northern California for the “Massive Valve” which LA officials have turned (LA Mayor Karen Bass must have mighty strong arms) to let the “limitless” water flow into the sea rather than dousing Southern California’s fires.

Is this it?

Or could it be this?

After much consultation with climate and water experts at the Scripps Institution of Oceanography, UCLA’s Institute for the Environment and Sustainability, and NASA, however, HOT GLOBE has determined that this is the real California valve and it indeed was turned off for the new President:

That's what determines disaster aid in the President's mind. “Did they vote for me or not?” This is not a valve that will open anytime soon given his sadistic response to the devastating fires. As usual, DJ Trump lost California by millions of votes and has come out to the state today to lie about it.

To Trump Americans are only Americans if they voted for him.

And in fact, Trump's liquid gold has, indeed, set the state on fire. The reason he must point to some Mythical Valve is he is unable or afraid to admit what and who is causing the problem, the fossil fuel industry and well, him.

Fortunately, California will soon be suing fossil fuel companies to establish a multi-billion (if not trillion) dollar fund to pay for what economists call “external costs,” in this case burned cities, murdered citizens, and hospitalized children.

These are policies of death and destruction, a fearsome attack on the American people by a psycho Ward-Heeler. Words fail us. Burned and flooded cities mean nothing to a regime picking up billions from personal meme coins.

Never at a loss for words, however, President Trump already has an equally scientific answer to this summer’s possible extreme hurricanes and rain events in Florida, Louisiana and North Carolina:

Blow them back to the Gulf of America!

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In Related News:

In an opinion piece this week in the New York Times, Dave Jones wrote: “As the former insurance commissioner of California, I can confirm that private insurance companies cannot continue to provide coverage at anything approaching affordable rates in the face of increasing climate-driven disasters. States, cities and regulators urgently need to hold the oil and gas industry accountable for the devastation that fossil fuels cause.”

And they are suing. According to the Center for Climate Integrity:

The deadly wildfires still raging in Southern California underscore the importance of California's effort to hold Big Oil accountable in court for its climate lies.

California is suing ExxonMobil, Chevron, Shell, ConocoPhillips, BP, Phillips 66, and the American Petroleum Institute to make these polluters pay for climate damages they’ve knowingly fueled — but deceived the public about for decades to protect their profits.

With the Palisades and Eaton fires still growing, experts say these could be the costliest wildfires in the state’s history.

Big Oil knew these climate-fueled events would threaten communities decades ago: A 1979 Exxon memo about the potential impact of burning fossil fuels found that “[t]he southwest states would be hotter, probably by more than 3°F, and drier,” predicting some of the very conditions that are fueling the fires in California.

Communities across the nation are now suing the fossil fuel industry for suppressing that information and lying to the public about the reality of climate change. California Attorney General Rob Bonta’s lawsuit against Big Oil, filed in 2023, argues that the polluters should help pay for the climate impacts burdening Californians, including the damage from increasingly severe wildfires.

“Climate change has caused and will continue to cause an accelerated increase in the risk, occurrence, and intensity of wildfires in California, resulting in wildfire-related injuries to the State and its residents,” California’s lawsuit states. “Once suppressed, climate change-driven wildfires leave shattered communities in their wake, resulting in further financial loss to the State for wildfire recovery efforts.”

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And for the literary among you, this early word on the Santa Ana winds from Raymond Chandler, LA’s patron saint and the father of film noire:

“There was a desert wind blowing that night. It was one of those hot dry Santa Anas that come down through the mountain passes and curl your hair and make your nerves jump and your skin itch. On nights like that every booze party ends in a fight. Meek little wives feel the edge of the carving knife and study their husbands' necks. Anything can happen. You can even get a full glass of beer at a cocktail lounge.”

― Raymond Chandler